The Secret to Eternal Life

by Sick Sticks

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released May 31, 2019

Mixed and Mastered by Andrew Whitbeck

Cover photography: Alice Teeple

Recorded 12/2017 – 4/2019. All sounds performed by Whitbeck and recorded in his bedroom in Queens (with drums recorded in his dad’s basement in Long Island) aside from the following:

Meg Halcovage - Girl on phone, MTA announcer, Theresa Caputo

Genevieve Chapin - Geraldine
Mal Walton - Wine bottle

Joseph Martin – Rapper for The Pretensions of Love (Recorded at Joe’s place in Queens)
La Dynasty - Marie Marie

Gene Taylor - Background vocals
Eitan Kenner - Spoken word/Hebrew
Jordan Cohen - Alto saxophone

Sergey Prokofyev – Violin and voices for AM radio (Recorded at Sergey’s place in Washington D.C.)
Will Leet – Guitar and vocals for Song about Nature (Recorded at Will’s place in Brooklyn)
Nicole Raviv - Vocals for Part of Your Story
Tasha Solomita - Vocals for WRST jingle
Chris Catalano - WRST radio announcer

Tasha Solomita - Vocals

Andrew Del Vecchio - Ashleeee
La Dynasty - Marie Marie
Patrick Reidy - Waiter

Dane Scozzari - Craig’s owner
Clare Wyatt - Dog whisperer (Recorded at Clare’s place in Munich)

Francesco de Rubeis – Drums (Recorded in Francesco’s practice space in Rome)
John F. Kelly, Jr. - Tenor saxophone, Craig screams (Recorded at Whitbeck’s dad’s place in Long Island)
Eitan Kenner – Synths, Rhodes (Recorded at Eitan’s place in Brooklyn)
Joe Sanders – Guitar (Recorded at Joe’s place in Long Island)

Dad for letting me use his home to record drums and saxophone squeals, Mom for being my biggest fan despite the lipstick and face paint, Paul for keeping my faith in Joel strong, the rest of my family for not asking me every Easter if I plan on getting a real job anytime soon, my teachers who gave me invaluable musical knowledge so I could ignore it, Sarah for lending me various percussion equipment, Frank for his patience with me recording and mixing during odd hours, all my friends who agreed to lend their talents to this project in exchange for nothing more than a drink at the Thirsty Koala, all my other friends who encourage me to create, and finally Mal for convincing me to get off my ass and set a release date for this goddamn thing – and for baking cookies while I type up these liner notes 2 days before the release date.


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Sick Sticks New York, New York

nyc funk punk party music

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Track Name: That Reminds Me of You
I was walking down the street
Past a place you liked to eat
And a place we used to meet
And that reminds me of you

And I was walking past the vet
And now how could I forget
That’s the place that we first met
And that reminds me of you

That reminds me of you…

I saw a lady she was rich
Custom handbag not sure which
But she acted like a bitch
And that reminds me of you

I saw a man who had a dog
He was walking with his dog
And he let me pet his dog
And you never had a dog
But I know you want a dog
And that reminds me of you

That reminds me of you…

Now I think I’ve had enough
But to forget you will be tough
‘Cause there’s a bunch of stupid stuff
That just reminds me of you

A delicious soufflé,
Washing dishes, Monet,
Hair conditioning spray,
Artificial bouquet,
Man I wish I was gay because
Everything reminds me of you

I like you when you’re clean, I like you when you’re dirty
I like you when you’re mean and I like you when you’re flirty
I like it even when you say “bye, bye, bye”
And I like you better gone, though I don’t know why

The other day I saw a girl
And she was a girl
And that reminds me of you
Track Name: The Lesbians Next Door
The lesbians next door give me much more than I bargained for
They come home and they slam the apartment door
At a quarter to 4
And now I’m not asleep anymore

But their night’s not complete ‘til they audibly eat out each other
I pray to my mother and clutch at the covers
Because their room is right next to my feet
And all that divides us is a wall that’s as thin as a sheet

And the walls are so painfully thin
You could hear the drop of a pin
Or, in this special case,
At the moment the finger slips in

Every moan that I hear is a blow to my ear
If I’d known last year,
When my lease was renewed,
That my neighbors would be so lewd
I’d rather move back home, I fear
And it’s not because they’re queer

I’ll admit, at the end of the day,
That the rent is so cheap I can’t really complain
So I feel like a creep but I don’t make a peep
The lesbians next door go for more
They continue to fuck
If I’m in any luck, I’ll just try and ignore
All the ruckus next door
And start focusing more on counting sheep
So I can finally get back to sleep
Track Name: Long Island Moms
Long Island Moms, well it’s true what they say
They’re all the same in every single way
From their teenage denim jeans that show off their saggy butts
To the blonde highlights in their layered bobs that they got at Supercuts

Listen, Mom, ignore your dad
Bushwick’s really not that bad
Don’t assume I’m selling weed
Though that’s cash I really need


Long Island Moms are so proud of where they dwell
Their kitchen’s always stocked with white zinfandel
They’ve got Kohl’s coupons on the counter and it’s safe to assume
That they got “Live, Laugh, Love” hanging in every single room

I know Brooklyn’s far away
Don’t ask me to come and stay
I’m not moving home with you
Not until my lease falls through
Track Name: She Won't Respond to My Text
She wont respond to my text
I’m getting really upset

Read at 11:53
Why is she doing this to me?
If she’d just send a meme or two
It’d be my wildest dream come true
Track Name: Everyone Thinks I'm Jewish
Everyone asks me this question when we meet
They often make their assumptions non-discrete
Everyone always just laughs and says I’m wrong
They’re so insistent, that’s why I wrote this song

Everyone thinks I’m Jewish and I don’t know why
They just assume I’m a kosher kind of guy
Everyone thinks I’m Jewish, what can I do?
It’s hard to convince people otherwise when everybody thinks you’re a Jew

Maybe ‘cause I have to check all my recepits
I’m just a flat broke musician, we’re all cheap
Maybe it’s my sense of humor, yes, I know
I blame it on Larry David’s TV show

Everyone thinks I’m Jewish, I don’t think it shows
I mean, come on, I don’t even have the nose
Everyone thinks I’m Jewish, well how can it be?
Well, you know, even Eitan’s gotta admit:
“Bro, you’re more Jewish than me.”
Track Name: Another Song About Dancing
Hey! Who’s that over there?
The girl with the blonde hair
I’ve been staring ever since she walked inside
Her swagger and her stride
It had me petrified
But I decided that tonight I take my stance
I think I found my chance
I see she likes to dance and these pants are 99 degrees
They’re guaranteed to please
I’m stompin’ up the floor
So sure she’s gonna notice me

Boy, I see you dancing
Yeah, I want some more
That’s not just the Fireball
Talking from before
Yeah, I’m coming over
Oh, it feels so right
Let’s dance tonight

I can’t explain it! It’s like a roller coaster
I feel her moving closer
But I can’t anticipate her moves
We’re grooving to the tunes
I’m trying to act smooth
Proving that in these shoes I am the king
We shimmy and we swing
We dance to everything
Singing every single word to Twist and Shout
And now I’ve got no doubt
That she is into me
Yeah a happy ending’s happening for me
Track Name: You'd Like Me Better as a Dog
You’d like me better as a dog
A furry friend that you could walk
Or even take out on a jog
You’d like me better as a dog
Well, if I was a pooch, maybe then I wouldn’t always be a-beggin’ for a smooch
Yeah, you’d like me better as a dog

You’d like me better as a cat
A pretty pet that won’t talk back
I wouldn’t call you dumb or fat
You’d like me better as a cat
Well if I was just a kitty
Maybe then I wouldn’t always make you feel so shitty
Yeah, you’d like me better as a cat

You’d like me better as a rabbit
Without a single nasty habit
I’d see your ass but I wouldn’t grab it
You’d like me better as a rabbit
Well if I was just a bunny
Maybe then we wouldn’t always fight about the goddamn money
Yeah, you’d like me better as a rabbit

You’d like me better as a hermit crab
Our time together wouldn’t feel so permanent
I wouldn’t force you to watch Superbad
If I was just a littler hermit crab
Well if I was just a crustacean
Maybe then you could stop taking your fucking anxiety medication
You’d like me better as a hermit crab

You’d like me better as a nothin’
Not even a tasty chocolate muffin
No more pain, no more sufferin’
If I was just fucking nothing
Well if I wasn’t here
You’d get awful lonely, this I fear
So maybe keep me as a dog
Track Name: Craig, Pt. 2: The Craigoning (including Donny Says No!)
Track Name: You'll Never Die
If you don’t eat fast food, you’ll never die
If you don’t eat fast food, you’ll never die
You’ll never have to panic as long as it’s organic
If you don’t eat fast food, you’ll never die

If you don’t take a break, you’ll never die
If you don’t take a break, you’ll never die
You’ll feel the most alive working 9 to 5
If you don’t take a break, you’ll never die

If you don’t spend your cash, you’ll never die
If you don’t spend your cash, you’ll never die
Don’t indulge your cravings, stick it all in savings
If you don’t spend your cash, you’ll never die

If you don’t go outdoors, you’ll never die
If you don’t go outdoors, you’ll never die
Don’t chase that endeavor, stay inside forever
If you don’t go outdoors, you’ll never die

Wouldn’t it be a shame if we all died?
Wouldn’t it be a shame if we all died?
Well we could’ve just enjoyed all the things we were told to avoid
But that’s not the case because we never die

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