The Secret to Eternal Life

by Sick Sticks

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1.
I was walking down the street Past a place you liked to eat And a place we used to meet And that reminds me of you And I was walking past the vet And now how could I forget That’s the place that we first met And that reminds me of you That reminds me of you… I saw a lady she was rich Custom handbag not sure which But she acted like a bitch And that reminds me of you I saw a man who had a dog He was walking with his dog And he let me pet his dog And you never had a dog But I know you want a dog And that reminds me of you That reminds me of you… Now I think I’ve had enough But to forget you will be tough ‘Cause there’s a bunch of stupid stuff That just reminds me of you A delicious soufflé, Washing dishes, Monet, Hair conditioning spray, Artificial bouquet, Man I wish I was gay because Everything reminds me of you I like you when you’re clean, I like you when you’re dirty I like you when you’re mean and I like you when you’re flirty I like it even when you say “bye, bye, bye” And I like you better gone, though I don’t know why The other day I saw a girl And she was a girl And that reminds me of you
2.
3.
The lesbians next door give me much more than I bargained for They come home and they slam the apartment door At a quarter to 4 And now I’m not asleep anymore But their night’s not complete ‘til they audibly eat out each other I pray to my mother and clutch at the covers Because their room is right next to my feet And all that divides us is a wall that’s as thin as a sheet And the walls are so painfully thin You could hear the drop of a pin Or, in this special case, At the moment the finger slips in Every moan that I hear is a blow to my ear If I’d known last year, When my lease was renewed, That my neighbors would be so lewd I’d rather move back home, I fear And it’s not because they’re queer I’ll admit, at the end of the day, That the rent is so cheap I can’t really complain So I feel like a creep but I don’t make a peep The lesbians next door go for more They continue to fuck If I’m in any luck, I’ll just try and ignore All the ruckus next door And start focusing more on counting sheep So I can finally get back to sleep
4.
On the Train 01:31
5.
Long Island Moms, well it’s true what they say They’re all the same in every single way From their teenage denim jeans that show off their saggy butts To the blonde highlights in their layered bobs that they got at Supercuts Listen, Mom, ignore your dad Bushwick’s really not that bad Don’t assume I’m selling weed Though that’s cash I really need (Fuck) Long Island Moms are so proud of where they dwell Their kitchen’s always stocked with white zinfandel They’ve got Kohl’s coupons on the counter and it’s safe to assume That they got “Live, Laugh, Love” hanging in every single room I know Brooklyn’s far away Don’t ask me to come and stay I’m not moving home with you Not until my lease falls through
6.
7.
She wont respond to my text I’m getting really upset Read at 11:53 Why is she doing this to me? If she’d just send a meme or two It’d be my wildest dream come true
8.
Everyone asks me this question when we meet They often make their assumptions non-discrete Everyone always just laughs and says I’m wrong They’re so insistent, that’s why I wrote this song Everyone thinks I’m Jewish and I don’t know why They just assume I’m a kosher kind of guy Everyone thinks I’m Jewish, what can I do? It’s hard to convince people otherwise when everybody thinks you’re a Jew Maybe ‘cause I have to check all my recepits I’m just a flat broke musician, we’re all cheap Maybe it’s my sense of humor, yes, I know I blame it on Larry David’s TV show Everyone thinks I’m Jewish, I don’t think it shows I mean, come on, I don’t even have the nose Everyone thinks I’m Jewish, well how can it be? Well, you know, even Eitan’s gotta admit: “Bro, you’re more Jewish than me.”
9.
WRST 02:34
10.
Hey! Who’s that over there? The girl with the blonde hair I’ve been staring ever since she walked inside Her swagger and her stride It had me petrified But I decided that tonight I take my stance I think I found my chance I see she likes to dance and these pants are 99 degrees They’re guaranteed to please I’m stompin’ up the floor So sure she’s gonna notice me Boy, I see you dancing Yeah, I want some more That’s not just the Fireball Talking from before Yeah, I’m coming over Oh, it feels so right Let’s dance tonight I can’t explain it! It’s like a roller coaster I feel her moving closer But I can’t anticipate her moves We’re grooving to the tunes I’m trying to act smooth Proving that in these shoes I am the king We shimmy and we swing We dance to everything Singing every single word to Twist and Shout And now I’ve got no doubt That she is into me Yeah a happy ending’s happening for me
11.
12.
You’d like me better as a dog A furry friend that you could walk Or even take out on a jog You’d like me better as a dog Well, if I was a pooch, maybe then I wouldn’t always be a-beggin’ for a smooch Yeah, you’d like me better as a dog You’d like me better as a cat A pretty pet that won’t talk back I wouldn’t call you dumb or fat You’d like me better as a cat Well if I was just a kitty Maybe then I wouldn’t always make you feel so shitty Yeah, you’d like me better as a cat You’d like me better as a rabbit Without a single nasty habit I’d see your ass but I wouldn’t grab it You’d like me better as a rabbit Well if I was just a bunny Maybe then we wouldn’t always fight about the goddamn money Yeah, you’d like me better as a rabbit You’d like me better as a hermit crab Our time together wouldn’t feel so permanent I wouldn’t force you to watch Superbad If I was just a littler hermit crab Well if I was just a crustacean Maybe then you could stop taking your fucking anxiety medication You’d like me better as a hermit crab You’d like me better as a nothin’ Not even a tasty chocolate muffin No more pain, no more sufferin’ If I was just fucking nothing Well if I wasn’t here You’d get awful lonely, this I fear So maybe keep me as a dog
13.
14.
CRAIG!
15.
16.
If you don’t eat fast food, you’ll never die If you don’t eat fast food, you’ll never die You’ll never have to panic as long as it’s organic If you don’t eat fast food, you’ll never die If you don’t take a break, you’ll never die If you don’t take a break, you’ll never die You’ll feel the most alive working 9 to 5 If you don’t take a break, you’ll never die If you don’t spend your cash, you’ll never die If you don’t spend your cash, you’ll never die Don’t indulge your cravings, stick it all in savings If you don’t spend your cash, you’ll never die If you don’t go outdoors, you’ll never die If you don’t go outdoors, you’ll never die Don’t chase that endeavor, stay inside forever If you don’t go outdoors, you’ll never die Wouldn’t it be a shame if we all died? Wouldn’t it be a shame if we all died? Well we could’ve just enjoyed all the things we were told to avoid But that’s not the case because we never die

credits

released May 31, 2019

Mixed and Mastered by Andrew Whitbeck

Cover photography: Alice Teeple

Recorded 12/2017 – 4/2019. All sounds performed by Whitbeck and recorded in his bedroom in Queens (with drums recorded in his dad’s basement in Long Island) aside from the following:

4. ON THE TRAIN
Meg Halcovage - Girl on phone, MTA announcer, Theresa Caputo

6. PLAYDATE ON A WEDNESDAY AFTERNOON IN COMMACK
Genevieve Chapin - Geraldine
Mal Walton - Wine bottle

7. SHE WON’T RESPOND TO MY TEXT
Joseph Martin – Rapper for The Pretensions of Love (Recorded at Joe’s place in Queens)
La Dynasty - Marie Marie

8. EVERYONE THINKS I’M JEWISH
Gene Taylor - Background vocals
Eitan Kenner - Spoken word/Hebrew
Jordan Cohen - Alto saxophone

9. WRST
Sergey Prokofyev – Violin and voices for AM radio (Recorded at Sergey’s place in Washington D.C.)
Will Leet – Guitar and vocals for Song about Nature (Recorded at Will’s place in Brooklyn)
Nicole Raviv - Vocals for Part of Your Story
Tasha Solomita - Vocals for WRST jingle
Chris Catalano - WRST radio announcer

10. ANOTHER SONG ABOUT DANCING
Tasha Solomita - Vocals

11. OUT TO BRUNCH
Andrew Del Vecchio - Ashleeee
La Dynasty - Marie Marie
Patrick Reidy - Waiter

13. CRAIG, PT. 1: TRAINING CRAIG
Dane Scozzari - Craig’s owner
Clare Wyatt - Dog whisperer (Recorded at Clare’s place in Munich)

14. CRAIG, PT. 2: THE CRAIGONING (INCLUDING DONNY SAYS NO!)
Francesco de Rubeis – Drums (Recorded in Francesco’s practice space in Rome)
John F. Kelly, Jr. - Tenor saxophone, Craig screams (Recorded at Whitbeck’s dad’s place in Long Island)
Eitan Kenner – Synths, Rhodes (Recorded at Eitan’s place in Brooklyn)
Joe Sanders – Guitar (Recorded at Joe’s place in Long Island)

SPECIAL THANKS
Dad for letting me use his home to record drums and saxophone squeals, Mom for being my biggest fan despite the lipstick and face paint, Paul for keeping my faith in Joel strong, the rest of my family for not asking me every Easter if I plan on getting a real job anytime soon, my teachers who gave me invaluable musical knowledge so I could ignore it, Sarah for lending me various percussion equipment, Frank for his patience with me recording and mixing during odd hours, all my friends who agreed to lend their talents to this project in exchange for nothing more than a drink at the Thirsty Koala, all my other friends who encourage me to create, and finally Mal for convincing me to get off my ass and set a release date for this goddamn thing – and for baking cookies while I type up these liner notes 2 days before the release date.

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Sick Sticks New York, New York

Wankery. A Priddy Shiddy recording artist.

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